I can’t believe it’s been four months since I last posted – it feels like it’s been longer! This year, I really wanted to get stuck into blogging, whether anyone reads this little space or not, I just wanted to get into the habit of writing and documenting my thoughts, experiences, and everyday moments. So far this year, I’ve pretty much failed, but thankfully there’s still time, and it’s never too late to start again. If only you could see the number of private blog titles I have ready and waiting to be written from months ago! The ideas have always been there, but I’ve been seriously lacking in the word department.
The truth is, I’ve been meaning to write this post for the last two weeks, but I’ve had no idea where to begin. The hardest part for me is always getting those first few words down. Once I get back into the flow of writing, the process becomes a lot easier, but writing is something I’ve really struggled with recently. As much as I love and enjoy it, sometimes I experience phases where I have such serious writer’s block that I can’t even string a sentence together. I kind of feel like that at the moment, which is why I’ve been putting writing this post off. I also feel like I’ve lost confidence in my ability to write. Does everything I write sound boring? Is it interesting enough? Will others enjoy reading what I’ve written? You know, the usual insecure questions.
Creativity has just been non-existent at the moment, and that’s something that has really upset me. Throughout my education, I always enjoyed creative subjects more so than academic ones. I always thought I would have a career in the arts, whether that was a costume or set designer, or a children’s book illustrator, or something else related. However, when I left university, I guess I felt like those roles were not possible for me because I had a degree in English, and they weren’t what I necessarily wanted to do anymore. My plan was to become a primary school teacher, but the thought of more tuition fees for another year deterred me away, and I wanted to see what other possibilities were out there.
Following graduation, I received a job offer in an office based role, which at the time, I was really thrilled about it. It wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do long-term, nor did I know much about the industry, but it was something that could lead to something else, and that was good enough for me. It was also around this time that I stopped blogging, I stopped reading, I stopped going to the gym. I stopped doing all the things I enjoyed. Adapting from student life to full-time work zapped all the life out of me. I had no motivation, no passion for anything, and all I did was go home and fall asleep.
I gave it a chance. Everyone said it takes time to get used to the new routine, and I did get used to it for a while. Then, just before Christmas, my Nonno (Translation = Grandad) passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. I was already grieving the loss of two family members not long before, and I just couldn’t handle another. So, I questioned everything in my life. Death really has a way to make you evaluate what matters most to you and what you want from your life. Deep down, I knew I was becoming unhappy in my role. Again, I persisted. I didn’t want to be a quitter.
Being chained to a desk all day long was not how I wanted to live my life. In fact, growing up, I used to say that I would never work a desk job because I always knew I would hate it. I’m aware I sound like a really fussy person right now, and there are probably thousands of people who would love a comfortable desk job. I felt really guilty that I just couldn’t make it work for me. Maybe it wasn’t so much working at a desk (most jobs require some desk work), maybe it was a mixture of things, but I felt really restricted, would barely move all day, had little interaction, and I was losing myself more and more every day. Most importantly, I didn’t feel fulfilled and had no sense of purpose.
Basically, desk jobs aren’t for everyone and that’s completely fine – so I handed in my resignation and left two weeks ago. Did I make the right decision? Well, it depends how I look at it. One thing I know for sure is that I’m happier, like a weight has been lifted, and I have a chance to work out what I want to do next, without this grey foggy cloud hanging above my head.
I have an idea in my mind, which I don’t want to put in writing just yet just in case I jinx it, but it’s something I’ve always loved and had an interest in, and I don’t know why I never really thought about it before. It’s probably because I never had enough confidence in myself, so I never thought it could be possible. Yes it’s going to take a lot of hard work, yes it may not work out, and yes I may discover it’s not what I thought, but I’d rather give it a try than regret it later on.
I get fixated on things being perfect straight away, such as falling into the perfect career straight out of uni, but I’ve now learnt that it doesn’t happen like that. Well, maybe for some lucky few. Instead, I may not find the perfect career for me until I’m older, or maybe never, but as long as the good days outweigh the bad days, that’s all I can really ask for. Unfortunately, I felt like the bad days outweighed the good where I was previously working, and there were a lot of things I struggled with. It was a difficult decision to leave because at least I felt secure in having a full-time role, and I got on with everyone I worked with. It also helped me to rule out what I did and didn’t like, the weaknesses I need to improve on, and what my strengths are. No experience is bad experience. I realise now more than ever what it is I do want to do.
I’m learning to accept that I don’t have my life figured out yet, as scary as that is because I’m a control freak who worries about the future too much. Anyway, sorry about the rather rambly post (well done if you’ve read this far), I just felt like my first blog post in a while needed an explanation as to why I’ve been so quiet on here, and I also wanted to vent. Writing is great therapy – I should have forced myself sooner!